I feel like this deployment will never end. I'm so damn lonely and stressed. He is enjoying himself and wishing he saw more action, maybe even get his arm blown off. He wishes he was in the Salerno attack so he could kick their asses. Now he is talking about finding another reserve unit to deploy with when he comes home.

Lonely as hell

This past week has been very hard. Bobbys unit lost an aircraft a few days ago. His best friend was on it and was critically injured. Bobby is OK physically but that accident hit very close to home for him and he is having a hard time dealing with it. The day he posted that "if you heard it on the news that yes it is our unit and no its not good". And then not hearing from him for a few hours and then when he answered my are you alright with a no then another couple of hours of not hearing from him. That was the hardest  day so far. I have never been so scared, restless, upset as I was waiting for news. The closer he gets to coming home the harder of a time I am having. After the accident I now fear for him constantly and I try to think about other things but the fact still hangs there that HE could have been in the aircraft that day and HE could have been critically injured. I want my man to come home and in one piece. If something happens to him and he comes home broken I will still love him just as much but you know, the preference would be all in working order. This whole time I have been worried about what this war could do to him physically, I never really stopped to think about the toll it would take emotionally and mentally. I know he came back from his first tour in Iraq with very few mental scrapes and bruises because his home life was falling apart while he was gone. i just thought that he would come back the same way. Just back into a better family situation. I don't know what he is going to be like when he comes home. He came home from R&R fine just very tired but now he has dealt with more. Lost a good friend, that does something to people.
I miss him so much and its getting harder and harder not having him here. I just want a hug. I just want to be held by him. I want to hear his voice, I want to smell him in a hug. I want to be with him again. It physically hurts not having him here. I get sad at happy times because I cant share them with him.I want to have someone to lay with at night and talk to for hours. I miss his stupid airsoft BBS everywhere and dripping over his boots he left in the middle of the living room. I have fallen in love with him more in the 10 months he has been gone than the 8 month we were together before he left. I dont know how but we did. Now I cant imagine life without him. I love him plain and simple.

87 more days untill he comes home and it's getting harder and harder every day to be without him. It's been 9 months that he has been gone and I'm on auto pilot. I just try and get through the day. I don't get excited about anything. Hell I don't even care about Christmas and I LOVE Christmas I don't care about anything. I want a hug from him. I want nothing more than to feel his arms around me, holding me close. To feel safe, protected and loved. I'm tired of being on my own, of coming home to an empty house. Not being able to tell him about my day as he works on airsoft guns or I try to make an eatable meal. I miss standing there thinking and him coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me and kissing my neck. Him telling me I'm pretty or it's ok the smell of burnt bacon will go away......eventually. I miss sleeping with him. Having his arms wrapped around me all night long. Little kisses all over my face when he has to get up for work. I miss watching him play his stupid video games.I miss him throwing his dirty clothes beside the hamper because he knows it drives me batty. I miss him acting like a butt because he thinks it's funny. I miss all of that. I miss him coming home from work dog tired and giving me a hug. I miss holding his hand while we watch movies. I miss him playing with my hair when I drive. I miss seeing him get excited about airsoft or his crazy ideas about juggernaught games and reapers. I miss him laughing at me when I get stressed about stupid stuff and when I throw crap across the room because it didn't do what I want. I miss taking off his boots after a long day. I miss watching him sleep. I miss running my fingers through his hair. I miss him trying to show me stuff I just don't get. I miss they way he gets excited when he talks about his helicopters or how they work. I miss knowing that when he has a bad day I make it a little better.i miss all of it. But most importantly I miss my man. I never knew that A relationship that was just supposed to be a fun temporary thing would turn into this. That he would turinto someone I never want to be without in my life. Someone who would make me realize that I had no idea what I means to truly love someone. To have them be a vital part of your life. I feel loved, whole. That I have someone on my side no matter what. Someone that at the end of the day I know I have on my side no matter what. Even when we have our fights and arguments, instead of running away I just want him to hold me, no matter how upset or hurt I am. He drives me absolutely crazy sometimes and hes hurt me in the past but even th worst days of our relationship beasts the best says of any other relationship I have been in. I love him. Really and truly and I don't know what I would do without him. It's probably a good thing he has no idea that this blog exists. Some of this stuff I think I would be embarrassed if he knew how I felt about some things. I could marry this man tomorrow and now I will be happy for the rest of my life. That I made the right choose and won't want anyone else. He has been gone for almost a year and I still have no interest in any other man. I don't need anyone else. I have the only man that matters to me and I will wait however long it takes to have him back in my arms. We had some rough times and had to unload some old baggage but I Wouldn't trade any of it. I love him just the way he is. He is mine and I am his and I truly, deeply love him. Forever. F